The things in my head

Even tho it’s cold outside when it snows

Your worries are melted away by the warmth of calmness

How can you not feel grateful

When little pieces of heaven are falling from the sky

Covering the world with the blanket of white they bring

Because you’re too blessed to be worried

How can you resist the urge to smile

When your cheeks are rosy

And you know there are people sitting in that house that love you

How can you not choose to be happy

Because in that moment

Everything may not be perfect

But it is good

And that is good enough.

It doesn’t work the same anymore

You broke my heart

I can feel it beating, feel the blood pulsing through my veins

But I can’t feel anything at all

I’m not sure if it’s even there

I’m empty

Hollow

Broken

And what if you broke my heart so much that it never works again

And it’s not fair

Because the minute I think I can use it again, the space it used to take up just hurts even more

Not fair that I have to break others hearts cuz I can’t fix my own

Because you broke it beyond repair

And what if I can never love again?

We took those nights for granted

The boys who “weren’t that cute” would be “hottttt” now

Cuz the walls are here to laugh with

And instead of stars

We’ve got a roof to look at

Faces on FaceTime seem like they are made up

And we aren’t sure what is going on right now just outside the window

Cuz all we can do

Is watch everyone else do what we wish we could do

And it’s only been three days

And we have no one to do nothing with

Just us

And our sleeping roommates

Why do we wonder what others are thinking when thoughts aren’t clear in our OWN mind?

Breathing is keeping me alive but every breath is bringing me closer to death.

Starry nights alone. Running away from crowds and sounds in search of silence.

The way your eyes light up when you see me make the butterflies in my stomach start to dance.

Thoughts flying around my head at night make the bedroom ceiling more interesting from time to time.

As your smile spreads your day lightens.

Killing my pen with every word but healing me with every syllable.

Shyness is injected into me when I see you walk in.

Writing grabs emotions and lets them fill the page.

Under the stars is safe with you.

What if I break your heart? And we never get to say goodbye?

The unknown of tomorrow makes my head hurt at night.

Why did I have a dream about him again last night?

Do you know what if feels like

To feel alone in a room full of people

Like no one can see you

To feel like you’re cut in half

To worry that you won’t remember how to love

Even though there are people who love you sitting right next to you

Do you know how it feels when the tears stop rolling

When you’re past feeling sad

N U M B

Because you’ve banished the person you love to the outskirts of your mind

So you can try to be happy

Try not to feel

And slap a smile on your face

That’s how it feels to be alone

It’s weird when you can’t fall asleep

Willing yourself to start dreaming

But instead you think about the list of things you have to do, even though you tried to lock it in the vault of things you don’t think about

And stay up all night thinking about things you promised you wouldn’t think about

Because there is some peace in knowing you can’t do a thing about them right now

Except worry

Pasta

The dinner for the night you don’t have time to think about anything else so you throw everything in your fridge in the bowl. The taste of food doesn’t matter today.

But then the kids come running in

And you aren’t following behind them

With your usually perfect hair skewed all across your head

And the dance in the kitchen doesn’t feel the same without you doing your same move over and over again

I took out the trash

I hadn’t even realized you did that every time you walked through the door

And crying is a driving hazard

But I see your face every time a Ford raptor drives by

And the worst part is I can’t tell you that tears fell down my face five time today

Because you are doing a good thing

But you don’t know that I am listening to totally different music to get you out of my head

And I need to be strong

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t loved like I had

Because even though you’re gone,

You’re everywhere

I’m trying to hold myself together

But I feel like I’m falling apart

Little pieces of me are getting left on the road of my life

Recess

School dances

My old house

High school

Old friends

Cross country

And now you

I feel like more of me is behind me

Because you made being me easier

And now the part of me that’s left

Is just held together by tape and glue

Why did you tear out my heart and take it with you?

You promised I was the most important thing

Told me you loved me

Then went away

Still promising to never forget me

But acting like I was the thing that hurt you.

And the hardest part is

I know you’re doing the right thing

And you’re doing exactly what I told you to.

Because nothing that good could last forever.

It needed to pause

To be even better

Flowers keep growing, even when it kills them.

Each of us are breathing our way to the grave with our name carved on top.

Years pass by in seconds near the end but days pass by in minutes.

Time is a funny thing.

How do we know how much is left?

What if she had died that night?

Flowers are beautiful while they bloom receiving smiles and grins.

The last breath is what kills us we think, but what about everyone leading up to that point?

What about all this seconds we wasted?

Holding onto that grudge.

Wanting them to be wrong.

What about those years we we let the problem stand in front of the person?

Because all of us will die.

But flowers get tossed in the trash when the people who loved them can’t forget how they slowly wilted.

We will all sit under a grave.

So don’t kill yourself today.

Don’t let that problem sit in front of you

One more second

One more year

One more lifetime.

Because when we lie down for the last time,

We will wish that we had shoved those problems aside and wrapped those we loved in a hug.

Stopping time.

LIVING WHILE WE HAVE THE CHANCE.