The last

Firsts are hard.

They are scary and new and you don’t know what to expect. But, after the first, there is a second and sometimes even a third. And what was scary and new turns into old and boring. You adjust and take on more than you ever thought you could, but then it becomes your nature.

What’s even scarier is lasts. The last time you do something you know and have grown to love.

The last song.

The last time you play in a game of the sport you love.

The last time you hang out with a friend.

The last clap.

The last episode.

The last time you walk down the hallways you’ve memorized.

The last time you say, “I love you”.

Wishing you had taken just a second longer to enjoy them.

You feel like you’ve lost something. But can’t get it back.

The clocks just never stop going.

Most of the time, it is impossible to know that it is the last. Small things flit past, unnoticed. While big things ending are hard.

The blackness of the last steps are scarier than the first ones will ever be.



I didn’t think the butterflies were still alive

The ones who flew around inside me and made me feel lighter than air

that made me feel beautiful,



I thought they had all left with the last boy who walked away with my heart

But then you smiled at me

And you meant it.

The butterflies were suddenly there again.

Before you, I was alright

I hadn’t really missed the butterflies because I had learned to live without them

I was fine on my own

But with you fine is not good enough

You make me want to be better everyday

And I realized that with you I’m happier

With you, I’m more me

The best parts of me


Moods are weird things

Like how do we explain what we are feeling.

We don’t say our brain is releasing dopamine, but we feel the effects and say we are happy

so where exactly is that change between the chemical and a smile?

I think it is awareness

When we take a moment to feel, we can have experiences.

When we take a moment to slow down

Turn off the screen

And instead focus on the distractions around us

Sitting here on this porch eating jello while I watch the sky change into its pajamas, I am happy.

I think.

Your laugh

It has almost been ten months

I’m forgetting what you look like when you are not captured in a photograph.

I’m forgetting our inside jokes

And the memories we made are slowly sliding into my unconscious where I can’t find them anymore

The imprint of your smile is no longer the screen saver on my eye lids

And so much of my life does not revolve around you anymore.

I’m forgetting how you move

And how you laugh

And how your mouth forms the words I love you.

But I will never forget the way you made me feel.

The excitement of a flutter when you touched my hand.

The pain of laughing too much.

And the safety I found in your arms

I’ll never forget how you made me feel

Bucket hat

Sitting on the edge

No fear

Because falling might be better than staying

The water whispers and welcomes me into its depths

Wishing I would just give in and sink because what if I can’t make it another moment.

What if there’s nothing else

What if I’m never the same

But I know there is

I know life has a way of transforming a moment where everything seems like the end to a moment where everything begins.

I know I will look back on this second in the story of my life

And be grateful

Grateful that I looked up

Up above the welcome depths

Up to the unknown.

And chose to keep going into the endless possibilities that come from change

I chose the future.

And my future self will thank me.

That blonde girl

Being a little girl

I always looked up

Up to the clouds

where dreams lay

Up to high school

Up to the stars

Up to LOVE

Up to kids who had everything figured out

But senior year

There’s no one to look up to

Cuz after senior year, there’s college

And once you’re in college

You’re just boring

So now I look straight

I enjoy the moment

I dance a little harder

And scream a little louder

And I wear high socks to school

I make funny voices at friends

I kiss boys

But I wish I had gotten my mind in the now ages ago. Imagine how much fun I could have had.

Clouds at night

Avery didn’t deserve what I did to him

He gave me his heart

As we rode down the canyon on longboards.

While we climbed over cliffs with glow sticks around our necks.

When we laid on a blanket, watching the clouds fill the night sky

He Handed it to me, begging me not to break it

And I took it.

I promised something I couldn’t.

I promised to give him mine

But when I took it out of my chest, it broke into a million pieces.

Just crumbled in my hand.

And to hide that my heart was broken, I stole Avery’s.

And ran away.

Avery didn’t deserve what I did to him.

And I don’t think I will ever forgive myself either.

So it only hurt a little when he saw me and turned the other way today.


Have you almost been something?

You can feel the victory about to erupt,

You made it.


That moment hurts,

You try to shake it off and pretend you don’t care.

But deep down you’re being eaten away by regret.

I was almost there.

Almost cool.

Almost the fastest.

Almost the best.

Almost enough.

But the reality is

you’re not.

Have you ever been wanted to chase the sunset?

To make it last just a second longer?

Have you ever wanted everything to just





Because the moment you are in right now perfect.

You want to live right here for the rest of your life.

What about wanting to jump back to a memory

Because life seemed complete right then?

Everything in that second was perfect.

We can’t stop the earth from spinning.

The moments are going to fly away

You’re life is going to change

It is the only thing you can count on.

But you do have some control.

You can memorize the lines around you

You can smell the sounds

And hear what you see.

Take it all in

And put all of it in your memory.

But most of all,


Because feelings last forever.